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DRIVEN

I was 4 and I watched the place I called home burn to ashes. I watched my parents relocate to Abuja and start from scratch. I remember how my mum had to struggle to get on a bus and still had to pay attention to me to make sure I am not trampled on by other individuals trying to hop on the bus. I know the pain READ MORE

WHO DO I CHOOSE? 3

 

Hi,

We are finally at the last past of this post. If you missed out on the first and second part, Click,

WHO DO I CHOOSE?

WHO DO I CHOOSE? 2

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…My dad lost interest in his marriage to Maureen 4 years later and started seeking another divorce and appealed that the child should be sent to Susanne, my mum’s best friend as my mother wasn’t in her right mental state of mind.

Susanne was a widow and had just lost her only child. The only reason she could still face the world and smile was gone. She was sad and bitter but my dad was there for her. My mum wasn’t there for her at all she did not understand why but she later found out about my mum’s mental state. The bitterness stung her deeply.  She was bitter that my mum wasn’t really there for her before all of these happened. It hurt her but I was her child in a way and it was her duty to take care of me. She saw it as God’s compensation for her lost daughter. She took care of me for 12 years.

My dad and Lauryn made up but he died a year after, willing all his assets to me. He funded my education, my feeding, everything while he was alive and paid Susanne to care for me and still left money to continue paying for my needs in the future after his death . We took out of it to pay my wedding planner. What can I say? He is a rich dude.  Lauryn came back searching for me immediately she was released  from asylum.  Maureen couldn’t bear a child and she came back searching for me. My mum Susanne and I were planning my wedding last year when my Lauryn came in and I remembered her face, her songs, her love… I knew her, I had missed her, I was moved to tears but then Susanne was still my mum and Maureen came that same month to apologize…

It’s the 15th of February, 2014, 4:00 am to be precise they’ll be here in 2 hours to dress me up for the wedding. Who should I call mum? Who should I let hand me over to my husband to be? Who would I introduce my kids to as their grandmother?

My Biological mum, the egg donor and my father’s ex wife and the woman that looked out for me for 4 years.  – Maureen,

or

My Legal mum , my father’s first wife, who paid for all the processes and initiate the idea of my conception, took care of me through the formative parts of my life, went crazy when she lost me, and lost her marriage for me.   – Lauryn

or

My surrogate mum, my mother’s best friend, a widow, the woman that carried me in her womb, breast fed me and still nurtured me for 12years – Susanne

Help me…

If you were me, who would you choose?

Who deserves to be adorned with the word mother?

Was it morally right or wrong?

Was Lauryn wrong for wanting a child?

Was it wrong for my dad to wanCategoriest to feel the love he missed and could get somewhere else?

Was it wrong that Maureen needed money for her student loans to be settled and she had to donate eggs to the hospital for women like Lauryn who could not conceive?

Was it wrong for Susanne to want to help her best friend, fill the void she felt after losing her child?, was it wrong to collect money for her “motherly services”?

Who was at fault?

I do not have answers to any of these questions. I’m hoping that you do.

The best answer would be the perfect ending to this story.

 

Love,

Einsteinette.

WHO DO I CHOOSE? 2

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If you missed out on the first part,

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My dad got married to this beautiful lady called Lauryn. They had been lovers since their university days. My dad actually said it started since their high school days. Their relationship grew into something too beautiful. Their marriage was a blessed matrimony, unfortunately, for 10 years they were childless.

Lauryn was diagnosed of polycystic ovary syndrome meaning she was incapable of producing mature eggs. She also had 3 miscarriages when she conceived by chance. If they were to ever have a child again, it had to be a surrogate mother and a donated egg. She didn’t want anyone she knew to donate the eggs but her best friend signed a contract to be the surrogate mum. At the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) Center, at their family hospital, a directory was given to her to choose a donor egg. As she flipped through the pages, the properties Maureen caught her. She almost felt like she was described on that page, long dark hair, average height, smart, meticulous, strong-willed and many other similarities that struck her. Lauryn felt with all that similarity, the child will grow up feeling like she was the real mum. Voila!!! a donor egg was chosen and her husband’s sperm was collected. The doctor planted the fertilized egg in her best friend, Susanne, the surrogate mother.  They signed all the documents that needed to be signed with the hospital and the surrogate mother. She spent a large sum paying the surrogate mother, the hospital, the doctor, the medical bills, everything! Excitement rushed through her as her imagination of having a baby of her own was slowly becoming a reality. The thought of it flirted with her, teasing her excitement.

9 months  later..

The baby was born and everyone was happy. They had all gotten what they wanted. My surrogate mother breast-fed me for 6 months and a few days…

5 years later…

Lauryn tried to be there for her husband like old times (BEFORE MY BIRTH I MEAN) but she was too busy and occupied with caring for me and doing everything to keep me happy. She paid less attention to my dad and her best friend until he finally blurted out

“I want a divorce”

She was shocked. How had they gotten here? What was she doing wrong? She could not even save her marriage anymore. The secret affair between another woman and her man had become glaring to her. He loved this new girl he met on a business trip that reminded him so much Lauryn and he wanted to marry her.

Long story short… At the court, during the divorce the lawyer discovered that she was the owner of the egg that formed me. She was Maureen and the judge ruled that the couple (my dad and Maureen) should keep me as theirs after their marriage. My mum went crazy. . .

To be continued…

 

Love,

Einsteinette.

 

 

 

How to Get Through a Marriage Crisis

Have you ever made up your mind to go on a walk and enjoy the bright day and fresh air and then suddenly, the clouds just get thick and then it starts raining, sometimes, it doesn’t even get thick at all, it just starts raining. Marriage can be like this, dating too. It starts beautiful and at some point gets ugly. Good news is that you can make it all beautiful again. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and just because you’re not acting like a couple of love birds doesn’t mean you’re going through a marriage crisis. So how do you know if you’re going through a particularly hard moment? There are certain signs you should keep an eye out for. Once you’ve ascertained that you are experiencing a crisis in your marriage, don’t run too quickly to the divorce option.

 

TRY THE FOLLOWING FIRST:

 

  • Be conscious of timing, location and approach – Finding the right place and situation to talk about your worries with your husband/wife is essential. Nagging about problems after a long and stressful work day is not productive or wise because you both are tired and may not in the best of moods.
  • Keep it positive – Laugh and the world will laugh with you, cry and you’ll cry alone. Stay positive, don’t over think or assume and never let yourself overload the situation with negative vibes and a pessimistic attitude, as it won’t help. Indeed, the best way to see the bright side is to look at it. Rather than focusing on everything that’s wrong in the relationship think of all the great things that you might have forgotten.
  • Be generous and selfless – Moments of crises are moments when extra effort is required and marriage crisis is no different. So prepare to undergo a period during which you will have to give more than you normally do, whether that’s love, attention, space or time. Patience is one of the best allies to fight this battle against whatever problem your marriage is facing.
  • Listen, understand and avoid assumptions – Don’t close yourself. Don’t rush to conclusions or reject your spouse just because they’re rejecting you. If they’ve told you they’re unsure whether they want to keep being with you or not, look for reasons, listen to them and try to put yourself in their shoes. In a word, be understanding and objective, which doesn’t mean endure everything, but it’s the best way to analyze the problem and find solutions. The worst thing you can do is to raise a wall. If speaking is a problem, a good idea is to both make a list of the things you don’t like about the other’s behavior and take turns to read your thoughts on it.
  • Don’t get too needy – Show them that you are the same independent man/woman you were at the beginning of your relationship and that this is something that will never change. This will take some pressure off your spouse shoulders and will give them some space in order to think freely
  • Relight the fire – Try to spice up your routine as much as you can. Pretend you are dating again. It will be fun and it will make you remember why you liked each other in the first place. Another great idea to relight the fire is to rent a holiday home away from the everyday routine and also to have some time together to help remind each other why you decided to tie the knot. Quiet and snugly situations are always the best way to face problems and find solutions.

 

Sometimes the origin of the problem might be the foundation. Find out THE FOUNDATION OF ANY RELATIONSHIP 1 & 2.

 

If the previous advice fails the best thing to do is to seek a marriage counselor. Keep in mind that some relationship problems are difficult to be solved, especially those that involve physical and/or verbal violence or infidelity, though this doesn’t mean that all is lost. Hard work, love, respect, commitment, understanding and many more are antidotes to relationship crisis.

 

DON’T THINK DIVORCE, THINK RENAISSANCE!!!

 

If you enjoyed this, then you might enjoy other write ups by Sade Adebayo.

– Exercising Tips for People Working From Home

– Great Wedding Proposal Ideas

– How to Dress for Success

 

Guest writer,

Sade Adebayo.

 

That Moment

Hi, how is your Sunday going? Let me add more spice to it with this refreshing post that is probably the rendition off something that happened yesterday.
I gradually opened my eyes, still feeling very sleepy, I looked at my clock on the wall and it looked something like 6:35…oh shit! 6:35am…I was supposed to be at the dressing house before 7am!!! Adrenaline pumped and gave me enough energy to rush and drive to…drive what!!! the hold up would be too crazy! I grabbed my wallet and took a bike…and as I guessed the hold up was crazy. Got there 7:13am… My best man and groomsmen were there already…I apologized and I was given my suit and dressed accordingly. We rushed into the car and drove to the church, as we drove I realized how tired I was, making plans and how much money I had spent on this wedding…but her picture danced in my head and I knew it was worth it. The car came to a halt and we stepped out, I looked at my watch and it was 8:06am, luckily the bride had not arrived (No offense, women are always late and I am glad she’s late today).

We went in and I stood in front of the alter. The classical music suddenly played and it was announced that she had come…I looked in the direction of the door…she walked down the aisle…she was very beautiful…but a 1000thoughts ran through my head…People say marriage is a trap, those in it want out and those outside want to get in…A perfect wedding did not guarantee a perfect marriage but she was a wonderful woman and I stared at her…and that very moment I made up my mind that there’ll be no turning back…I love her and that’s all that matters. She approached me and I took her hand…we stood there together and were joined in holy matrimony…and till date I never regretted my decision…It’s our 35th year together and I hope people learn that there’s more to marriage than a wedding. :). The wedding no matter how small or big loses value if the marriage fails….
(The words of a fulfilled man).

So ask yourself which will you rather have, a perfect wedding or a perfect marriage?
Love,
Einsteinette.

Yvonne or Lily???

So I am trying something new and interactive this week. We all would get married at  some point and looking at married couples this particular ish has been an issue. It is necessary for both ladies and guys to share their thoughts on this platform and so I am writing this. New topics would come up every Monday and trend for the week. I hope you enjoy and learn from everyone’s opinion and we will learn from yours too. This is supposed to be an interactive post so please when you are done reading,comment and share your views with us so we can know what you think. I am the writer so I am permitted to be neutral.

Yvonne’s mentors are Oprah and Genevieve, she  lived her life aiming high. She is independent and strong. She made a vow to achieve all she can in her target career because of her poor background and terrible experiences as a child. Some of her ambitious friends are the way they are because of family pressure. Most of them are workaholics and hardly have time for frivolities and she also falls in this category. She hardly ever puts pressure on her husband to take care of the financial demands of the house or family, she freely spends out of her pocket. she relieves him of financial pressure. Everyday she comes back home tired and stressed. She cooks for her husband and does not let anyone else cook for him. She has sex with her husband as regularly as possible but she rejects the shoulder tap(sex notification from her husband) sometimes when she is too tired.She loves her 2 kids and provides for them. She brings a nanny over for 4 hours (between 5 and 9pm).The nanny leaves when daddy gets back from work. She works late or overnight sometimes. She takes breaks from work to be with her husband or family. She is a good wife and a good lady.

Lily is a wonderful educated house wife. Her husband wanted her like this because he makes all the money and places her on a monthly salary to satisfy the part of her that wants to work. He provides everything possible. He also makes out time to be with her. She handles all the house chores and everything that concerns the home. She gives the children her full attention and keeps the house in shape. She hates the concept of having nannies over. She has time for herself and the family. Her friends come over to keep her company when she’s bored at home.

The thing is BOTH WIVES ARE WONDERFUL but some women prefer being one than the other and some men prefer having one to the other. Some people feel house wives are jobless and have excess time to spend on gossip and are too dependent while some feel overambitious women are too independent and do not need a man in their lives because they are too bossy and busy and are not good family women. So the major question is

For Girls, Ladies and Women: Who would you rather be, Yvonne or Lily???

For Boys, Guys and Men: who would you rather have as a wife Yvonne or Lily???

Your comments and opinion matter. Feel free to post your comments, suggestions and thoughts. Click the facebook or twitter button below to share or tweet on your TL so that your friends can also share their opinions.

Love,

Einsteinette.