Dear Chimamanda,
I planned to write you this letter privately through A mutual friend but he likes to shy away from controversy. So I thought to write it here on social media, hoping it gets to you and you read it objectively and maybe we can discuss it sometime in the future.
In your TedX speech about Feminism, the part Beyonce adapted in her Flawless song, you described a feminist as a person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. This definition/intention sits well with me as it doesn’t favor any gender.
I have read almost every book you have written and to be honest, you are my favorite African writer. You have strong opinions, strong female characters and wield a special storytelling power rooted in simplicity and skill. One of the books I truly enjoyed was Dear Ijeawele. It held certain truths but one thing was clear, you understood that societal’s pressure and flawed ethical concepts affected both men and women. You understood that women were undermined by society and men were held to standards by society as well. You admitted that we were both broken but what you didn’t do (like many feminists) was show empathy for them as victims of circumstances just as we are too. I see their “braggadocio claims of being higher species” their attempt to live up to societal standards.
My first issue with feminism is the name. You can’t ask for equality of the sexes and have bias for one of the sexes. What you would end up doing is creating reverse oppression because the women will grow so strong and oppress the men, and the cycle will continue. In finding my path, I first blamed women, because in my short time of existence, women raised me and most of the people around me. They chose that I cook and clean while my cousins played. They said “you are a woman, no man will take this from you”.
They said “with this your attitude, you won’t find husband”, “your opinions are too strong for a lady, you need to listen more when your man is talking”, “ Don’t buy a big car or live alone o! You will chase men away” “why are you not married yet?” “You need to learn to cook o”. Women told me all these but never did I hear them tell the male kids around me the same thing. Instead I heard “you are supposed to be strong for your sisters”, “are you not a man? Why are you crying?” “The older babe slept with you, ahn ahn you are enjoying o”. While these are different reactions, they are also different forms of oppressions and as I have learned, you can’t compare oppression. Pain is pain, our thresholds are different. We are all victims of the society. Even from Gender roles, the foundation of our future is laid.
In Nigeria and many parts of the world “what would people say?” Controls our every action. We live a certain way to live up to the expectations of the society. It influences how our parents bring us up and form the basis for many things we do. Men are going through their bit. They are going through a lot, keeping up with the weight of pseudo strength society burdens them with. Many women practice feminism by convenience. Many men see that when it comes to the subject they have to be politically correct. Women are given opportunities (some they don’t deserve) just to ensure political correctness. Feminism is becoming a “walking on egg-shells” subject.
Some people take feminism to extremes – like the abort the male child campaign (according to them he is a rapist or chauvinist waiting to happen), the no pad movement, just to mention a few. Men are now the enemies instead of society. I don’t think women or anybody at all should be given things, I think it should all be based on merit not “politically correctness”. I think we can negotiate for what we want. I have earned higher positions and salary based on my negotiating power. Anyone who undermines me because I am a woman does not deserve me as a staff nor contractor, that is a mental and culture fit problem. Greatness/Excellence cannot be ignored. I know this because people like Condoleezza Rice and Oprah Winfrey exist.
No, I don’t belong to “feminism lite” group who think we should compromise our standards based on some religious or cultural standing that divinely named a gender/sex superior. A description that sits better with me is – Egalitarian. Which is what your definition of feminism stood for. The challenge of feminism is similar to most of the isms that exist – racism, classism, many other delicate isms.
I find that the solution is all encompassed in one word – Respect. Respect gives room for understanding. I understand when people say respect is earned but mine works in a reverse manner. I meet you, respect you first till you prove otherwise. Reason – you are a human being, not a negroid, Caucasian, rich, poor or whatever boxes society has created for you. Just a simple human. For me, that is worth respecting. Why is respect the ultimate solution? I believe your beliefs and choices should be respected. I believe in treating people as individuals and not a group. I dislike that feminism has watered down the place of a housewife.
Being a housewife is a job in itself! It is a strong role. I have seen housewives and I could never do what they do. I believe that if a woman chooses to be a housewife, she should not be dragged. I believe she should not be cited as an example of a woman who cannot stand for herself when feminist speak. I believe that she has her right to choose. I also believe that a househusband should be a thing. There are many men who do not want to work. They perform better as care givers, I think that should be fine too. The worker and the carer should not be a thing of gender and this should be clear before people decide to date. It shouldn’t be a gender apportioned thing. I believe that anyone can pay for dates based on agreements between the people going on dates. There are women who want to be dominated,I don’t think we need to fight for them. I think some of them genuinely like it and we should let them.
There are men too who want to be dominated, let them. There are women who think they shouldn’t work when they have men, let them. There are men who like to live off their women, that’s fine too. There are women who do not want to get married and have kids, let them be. There are men who do not either, let them be. There are women who would never cry for anything and there are men who would cry themselves a river at every little thing, please let them be. There are women who hate to cook and hate domestic activities and men who love domestic activities and cooking, just let them be. Treat every human as their own person, not as a male or female.
if you have three candidates for a job and the two men are better qualified than the woman, don’t be afraid to give them the job. It’s not a thing of gender but a thing of qualification. I had a conversation with someone last year about Tiwa being the only woman booked for End of the Year shows. Fortunately or unfortunately, judging by Nigerian music standards it is difficult to name other female musicians beside Tiwa who should be booked for shows. You’ll mention 5 men before you think of another woman. It’s not a male or female thing. It is a thing of qualification, hard work, skill, consistency. I only have a problem when 2 people are qualified for a role and the tie breaker is gender (with no logical reason). Which is also a societal issue. Many people say women take maternity leaves, pregnancy, period leaves etc. I think men should be allowed paternity leaves too to let them bond and help their wives. They say men would waste it. Let’s try first and see.
Our years of oppression would not be fixed by a March, or a gender bias equality, it would be fixed by egalitarianism or simply put RESPECT.
When a security man does not greet you, you can choose to educate him, if you think he would understand or walk away because you perceive he may not understand. Not in anger, but in enlightenment and with a little love and empathy for his ignorance. Same goes for when a woman takes emotional or sexual abuse on a man for granted. Societal Wars are won by finding a common ground and I think both men an women can find a common ground in societal oppression. We can either choose to make the rules of society our enemy or make each other enemies. The ball is in our court.
I look forward to a day when toys would be bought based on a child’s preference or individuality, when colors or clothing items are chosen based on the child, where individuals are raised as individuals not based on some crazy moral code. I look forward to a time when men and women would be taught about abuse. A time when women would not use abuse as a weapon to destroy a mans career. A time when men would not see it as their weapon to ruin lives of women. I look forward to a time when women would not laugh at the abuse stories of men and say things like “but you were hard na” and men would not say “what was she doing there by 11pm wearing short skirt?”. I look forward to a time that people of any gender can cry openly, and be whatever they want to be. A time when sex would not be seen as a thing taken by a man and given by a woman. A time when a man and a woman can aspire to marriage or stay single because it’s their choice.
I am not black, white, rich, poor, married, single, Christian, Atheist, heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, asexual, a transgender, genderless, genderqueer, pangender, muxe, a man, woman, nor anything else but a human being and that is all I need to be to earn your respect. I look forward to a new egalitarian movement that is not FEMinism, maybe GENDERism a fight for the equality of all genders. I hope we meet someday and we can discuss this. I hope you look beyond my punctuations and possible grammatical errors and see that this was written from the heart with a similar intent to help gender equality, just with a little different approach.
I leave you with this quote from Eli Pope of #scandal (Season 7 episode 17), if you have to say how powerful you are, you have no power. Real power is silent, hidden, there all along. It can’t be gained nor loss. It is not a commodity. It is who you are.
With Love,
Blessing Abeng.
Art Credit – Trapped by Isma’il (Because I believe we are all trapped in boxes created by society)
Blessing Abeng 
Beautifully and perfectly written,… Well done!
Thank you
Hi there is a small mistake in my name it’s Blessing Abeng. Thank you for sharing
Wonderful and Lovely write up,fellowed it up right from Twitter. How can i immortalize this writeup so my kids and the generation yet unborn can come see it.
I hope this website is immortal enough and would be here when they come. I could also send it to your email
I can’t wait.
Wonderful message.
Please I will appreciate if I can get it on my email.
Hi Kes,
Thank you.
Email sent.
Please, if I’m not taken as the jumping type, can you send it to my email, please?
adekunleakinlosoye@yahoo.com
GOD bless you.
Great article: very insightful and without bias. Great work!
Thoughtful
Thank you for this heart- touching post. I knew something did not quite sit well with the feminism and all the concepts about it.
I have always tried to see humans as just that. Humans. Regardless of where they come from or who they are.
Well written, Einsteinette
I completely agree with you. Thanks really for penning this powerful read. I have been a crusader for the deconstruction of masculinity. Again, I’ll like to mention that some of the points you made are already being preached by Chimamanda Adichie herself, including the need to remake masculinity. I hope you meet her soon and discuss these things.
Thanks Blessing!
You are indeed a blessing. Reading through your open letter word after word gives me hope about the future of gender equality. For the most part, it’s been handled wrongly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Gracias.
Welldone, succinctly written.
Thank you
Amazing write up. Respect is key. When you love something, you respect it.
This letter has torn several lesions into my heart. I feel naked.
Sadly i don’t see such “egalitarian” society ever happening. Our programming is deep rooted and as old as time itself. This casting of gender roles has come into being through such things as culture, religion and beliefs.
As humans, we will always have a need to believe in something greater than us. You believe in an egalitarian society. Adichie believes in Women being as empowered as the men. But can you erode what we’ve come to believe for so long.
Respect thrives in Love, Love grows where there is Tolerance and an inherent desire for good. Sadly, i don’t see that desire being rekindled. People become the worst versions of themselves everyday and those who remain good fight an uphill battle to remain so.
I digress much, i dare say this; our eyes would be open when we die. For in death lies the truth.
Beautiful piece, B.
I hope our children would learn in love and not anger. I hope they would learn to coexist and treat each other better than we have. I hope for so many things and I hope our hopes come true. Thank you so much for reading
This is one of the best things I’ve read in a while and among many things because it is not biased and for everyone. Would it be possible to have this emailed to me? I want to read it at my next Poetry Event❤️😭
Definitely. I will send it to you soon
Apt! I hope we get to meet someday… you have spoken no truer words than these. Egalitarianism or Genderism sure will set our society on the right bend especially to do away with political correctness!
I hope so too. Thank you so much for taking out time to read it.
Wonderful piece.
Thank you
All I could do was groan finding no words to express how pleased I am by this post. Someone finally makes complete and good sense about this whole feminism thing going on. From the depth of my heart I pray that God blesses you, utterly, in the name of Jesus.
Thank you so much.
Nice piece
Thank you.
👏👏
Thanks.
You’re welcome. We would love to connect with you better. Please shoot us a “hello” message via theinfonerds@gmail.com.
Thanks.
Very thoughtful and impressive writeup. In your own words you have expressed my thoughts of what an egalitarian / meritocratic society should strive for.
My answer to feminists has always been that there is no such thing as equality as no two people are equal. What we need is FAIRNESS, MUTUAL RESPECT and KINDNESS rather than creating another world order of evil where the women oppress men because historically men oppressed women.
With FAIRNESS, we do not refuse people their rights that they deserve or earn. We also do not give people what they don’t deserve simply because they demand loudly or are on the politically correct side.
With MUTUAL RESPECT we respect people as people and the importance, dignity and integrity of what they do whether they earn a billion or a few cents.
With KINDNESS we are willing to help those who need help and defend the downtrodden as we are able to.
I could not find the right word to describe how happy and enlightened I am after reading this article, thanks a lot for sharing this with us. RESPECT is key and possibly a solution to most of the challenges we face in our society today. Would love to share this on Twitter, Facebook and Medium too but I couldn’t find a plugin, can you please help with this?!?
Nice piece. I really agree with every bit of your words. Feminism is just not a thing I agree with.
However i ll want you to reply this too please :
“You Are Not Equal. I’m Sorry.” @dinachka82 https://medium.com/@dinachka82/about-your-poem-1f26a7585a6f
This is beautiful opinion about gender. The problem of gender equality (or is it equity?)is a problem of culture. I have always believed that isms upon isms is vanity upon vanity. In a bid to solve a problem, it creates another problem.
I really like your thought about housewives and househusbands, because some people fair better in that position but painful stories about it leaves a bitter taste. Hence, people standing against it.
I am however pleased with your thoughts that people be allowed to live and learn without being pressured to accepting a particular ‘ism’ as standard even if it disrupts their lives.
Thank you for making my day .
Just apt. You hit the nail on the head. God bless you.
Good read. Succinctly put together. I had to bookmark this page for reference when I engage others. I have been struggling with something that doesn’t quite sit well with me in this feminism cause but can’t pin what it is alas! You helped figure it out. My fear is that we don’t get consumed being and preaching feminist ideals that it creates a bigger problem than that which we’ve been trying to correct. God bless you.
I am no Chimamanda but I need to buy you lunch sometime soon. I couldn’t have said it better! Thank you!
I’m dead serious about the lunch sha.
Simply awesome! “if you have to say how powerful you are, you have no power”. Thank you!
Amazing write up… It’s like a work of art and art is not supposed to look nice,it’s supposed to make you feel something which i did feel… I would love to have it emailed to me if you don’t mind…
Nice penning.
Respect is the key
First of all, well done for putting your thoughts down so eloquently. This appeals to a good number of people and that’s great, but I must say that this is kind of an idealistic school of thought. Is feminism really about the freedom to choose?I don’t think so. I like it to the black lives matter movement and a black person saying,’oh it’s okay,I enjoy white oppression so don’t fight for me’
I agree that being a housewife is pretty amazing but I don’t really think that’s what feminists are fighting for because normal status quo is being a housewife
Secondly, feminism cannot become “gender-ism”, it wouldn’t make any sense, except for give some chauvinists a platform to shine. Sorry about my extra long comment. Great work!
To be honest, male and female could never be equal in their tasks unless one is calling for distortion… If you would like to split woods, who would one call? Isn’t it a male? Task appropiations are natural programming and not moral or society induced. A female who is distorted would perhaps yearn to cut a tree or perform coarser tasks meant for male and the finer tasks meant for women to such a lady would too girly or sissy like. We turned this world into the one with much distorted concepts. Everything was created perfectly but humans distorted it… If there were no need for male and female, there would be just one sex. What I’m against is men believing they have to dominate women. No one is meant to dominate another but to work hand in hand in harmony. Perhaps men feel this way because they feel the urge to protect women which is perfectly alright but classic humans and their distorted head translated this to women are weak and should be dominated… Women are finer in nature, not weak.
Girl, i love you already for this piece. God bless you and grant you more wisdom and revelation. This piece has changed my life.
Awesome write up. I support your views.
This is a perfect piece. True feminism is allowing women to be whoever they want to be and not to be judged for those decisions. I was a stay at home mum for a while and every night having battled with the wills of two children, I will be totally exhausted. Being a wife and mother is a job that we shouldn’t be ashamed to associate with. I love Chi but she is so wrong here.
Nicely written..I’m also against feminism. It’s breaking homes.
https://www.facebook.com/chimamandaadichie/posts/10156097978075944.
Not sure if this response was intended to you, but you should read it, nonetheless.
I read the threads on Twitter in the morning. Now, I’ve just read it for the second time, taking down notes. Thinking over it, I remember your thoughts resonate with that of Dr. Ben Carson in his Book “One Nation” . The bottom line is this same thing you’ve said here.. RESPECT.
Well-done ma’am.
I couldn’t have said it better. Amazing how you put it, it shouldn’t just be addressed to Chimamanda alone but to the general public. Understanding is key.
Thank you!
Beautifully written this. The author speaks to original themes that have with the passing of time, eroded (as with most things) with contemporary feminism.
Just so you know ma’am, you’ve got a new and die hard fan in me right here!!!!! May you never lose your mind and reasoning.
Incredible piece there.
I agree somewhat with what you said but I disagree mostly with the example of female musicians and qualifications / experience.
It is easy to see that most people in a patriarchy society, our society take on careers and professions based on what we think is gender appropriate for the individual and the society. Right from kids we have already been conditioned the kind of games we should like, play the activities we should indulge including sports. And we know that most careers and professions stem from habits, passions and what not. So it is usually hard to find women who are interested in supposed male dominated careers or professions because from the onset the tastes as a child has been fine tuned. Then when you find an anomaly (which we are finding more these days) you see these people who are in the supposed wrong careerie according to their gender, they have more ardourous task of proving their worth to the community, mOre often than not people even tend to go out of their way to make their lives miserable. In the case of female wrappers or musicians, we should have this negative mindset about them. We feel that they can’t be hardcore like their male counterparts or they’re not homely which translates to not being good wives or mothers because their in the music business. And those like Tina who finally make it, we have it at their back of their mind itsola ca use they had a man (who is either a lover or a father) to help them navigate the maneuver life as an artist also forgetting that the male artist had other helping hand or a lean on. In their case, the gender isn’t pointed out. There’s a stigma and a negativity in gender based careers and no its not about experience or qualification.
We do have a long way to abolish gender based mindsets in hobbies, careers, colours as you mentioned, courses we pick in sch down to sports we like or play. We should relearn how to do these things as humans first
Thank you so much for this contribution. I also think that singing in the past used to be more of a female thing than a male thing (judging by cultural singers). I think the music scene is pretty dynamic but I mentioned it in relation to a conversation a friend and I had as regards booking female artistes for shoes and the reality was that people, clients, most of the agencies who book people for these shows, while outlining their lists, they hardly ever mention female names because most Nigerians prefer male music. Saying it like this is weird because the music is neither male nor female but majorly the sound people like. I know the industry is more dynamic but my reference was to the booking of shows and it not being about favoritism or gender just popular demand.
But what is popular demand? The people take what has been fed to them same way people say Nigerians only go to the cinema to watch Nigerian comedy because that’s all they like. These are perceived truths not actual truths, they are more of assumptions. What they think they know vs empirical facts that can easIlyich gotten to data collection and we both know how we fare in data collection.
The people consume what has been put forth to them not because they want it or want it all the time but because there are no choice or enough cho2ice to encompass what they really want.
So no I don’t agree with that and it still boils that with habits, passions and the narrative the people are pushing out
Pls pardon my typos and grammatical errors, I was proof reading when I mistakenly posted.
Also how do you know men who have the same or less qualifications than yourself but doing the same job or in the same position as you aren’t earning way higher than you? And how would you feel with the knowledge that you’re paid less because of your gender?
This letter is unputdownable! It’s amazing how you write about a sensitive issue in an unprovocative and appealing manner. Well done, Blessing! May I have it immortalized, too?
Thank you.
PS: I think this will make yet another “best seller”, if bookmarked.
Hello Rafiat,
I probably should write a book.Thank you so much for reading. It has been sent to your email.
WOW really amazing and well said 👌
I love that one from Pope…..”real power is silent”!!! Thanks Blessing, for this, I must admit, ride of a post.
Well spoken 👌